Haitistock '09

So I haven't blogged since before the trip...yeah, I'm just not good at the blogging thing, I guess. But I wanted to post this highlight video that has been and is still a work in progress since the trip. First thing I've ever done in iMovie so it's been slow moving. The trip was amazing, eye opening and life altering and I will never forget the people I met there and will always cherish the relationships built with my team members there. Morgan Young dubbed the trip Haitistock '09 due to the massive amount of people standing in an open field right outside of a small village listening to music and the teaching and then dancing as if it would be the last time they would ever dance. The video doesn't capture it the way I hoped, but it definitely sparks the memories and makes me want to return.

Awake

Yep, I should be sleeping cause I leave for Haiti in five hours. Everyone who has been on this type of missions trip tells me that my eyes will be opened in a brand new way and that it will definitely help me see the world a bit more of the way that Jesus sees it....I really hope so. I want to be awakened more to the things that God would have me be awake to and to learn how to share those with the people He has called me to impact with his message. This is going to be amazing, I can just feel it. Now, if I could just get some sleep before I leave

Have You Heard

I have short-term memory loss...well, I've never been diagnosed and I remember the things I really want to remember. Like tonight, my wife asked me to look up some directions for her for work tomorrow and I heard her but I was doing something else. Twenty minutes later when she came back, no directions. I forgot. I got them for her then, but it was a bit late, you know.

Verse 6 of psalm 17 says, "I have called upon you for you will hear me, O God." Isn't it awesome to know, I mean to know that God will hear you? SPurgeon says, " Thou have hard me, O my Lord, and therefore I have the utmost confidence in again approaching thine altar. Experience is the best teacher." I have experienced God's amazing grace, mercy and faithfulness. Remembering that, and then living that on a moment by moment basis is my goal.

too much

Why is it that the obvious is so hard to see sometimes? I looked for my iPod one morning for about 10 minutes and then walked out the door, reached into my pocket and remembered I had put it there earlier in the morning...really? Yep. Couldn't have been closer to me for those 10 minutes I was searching for it.

Verse five of chapter 16 the psalmist just owns up to who is really the provider of life and breath and the only true reward worth living for. We, too, can make our boast in the Lord; he is the meat and the drink of our souls. He is our portion, supplying all our necessities, and our cup yielding royal luxuries; our cup in this life, and our inheritance in the life to come. - C.H. Spurgeon.

Why is it so hard for us to just chase Him with all of our heart, soul, mind and strength? It seems so obvious.

Behind

So the 150 + 1300 in 150 days isn't going as smoothly as I planned. I have a habit of giving up at this point in a project that seems as though it will not come in exactly as planned, but this time...I'm going to stick with it. I just get to realize that the 150 days is a bit out of reach. There's life to be lived, kids whose schedules don't always stay the same, a job that takes early mornings and late nights some times and ministry with some amazing guys at a phenomenal church that sometimes takes precedent. So, I'm still making the attempt at 150 days, but if I don't make it in that time, I'm finishing the psalms with Spurgeon.

Another really hard list of ways we will be living if we are to spend eternity (starting now) in the presence of our God. It follows a deep question from the psalmist "Jehovah, who may abide in your tabernacle (have close fellowship with Him) who may dwell in your holy hill."(live in the close communion and shelter of God)

The list includes honesty, kindness, forgiveness, justice and others. The thing is, have you ever just tried to do all of those things? It's so hard. There are big parts of me that want to hold on to bitterness, that want to promote myself at the expense of others, that want to bend the truth for my own gain. So how do I crush that selfishness? I have to abide in God's Tabernacle and dwell in His holy hill. I must pursue God in His word and in doing so begin to discipline myself to depend on God's Spirit to crush out the dishonesty, unkindness, bitterness and injustices in my own life.

No God

I have a friend who is an atheist. Says that there is no God as I call a God. How could there be? Evolution and chaos rule and to him there is no evidence to there being any supreme being.

Though there is a lot of commentary that says Psalm 14 begins by speaking of the atheist, I don't think that's what David is throwing out here. Spurgeon seems to be on my side as well, so I'm in great company.

The fool has said in his heart, "there is no God." This isn't someone who goes around defending his belief that there is no God, it is one who has said it in his heart. This is the person who lives however he wants whenever he wants whether or not he is disobeying one of God's laws or not. The evidence is in the word the psalmist uses for God here. He uses "Elohim" not "Jehovah." This suggests that David is talking about the one who is great with talking about the God of the universe; the creator, the one who put the stars in the heaven. But also the one who lives without regard for the will of God. "Deity in the abstract is not so much te object o atttack, as the covenant, personal, ruling and governing presence of God in the world. God as a ruler, lawgiver, worker, Saviour, is the butt at which the arrows of human wrath are shot," says Spurgeon.

The fool, then, is the one who speaks as though there is a God, but lives as though there is not one. This, Spurgeon says is the reason that there is so much suffering, so much injustice in the world. The psalm 14:1 says at the end that there are "none that do good."

Sins of omission must abound where transgressions are rige. Those who do the things which they ought not to have done are sure to leave undone those things which they ought to have done. What a picture of our race is this! Save only where grace reigns, there is none that doeth good; humaity, fallen and debased, is a desert without an oasis, a night without a star, a dunghill without a jewel, a hell without a bottom.-C.H. Spurgeon

In other words, if we are willfully doing the things that we shouldn't do, there is no way that we are working toward the other side where we do the things that go against our human nature and do the right thing. There is no way we are reaching out to those on the underside of power and caring for the hurting because we have said in our deepest parts that we don't need to care about the things of God.

Football or Psalms

Well, my Buckeyes looked pedestrian at best today and I can tell that next Saturday vs USC could very well be a repeat of last year's crushing loss.

So maybe this gut-wrenching psalm can bring some encouragement...probably on a bigger level, huh!

I can't imagine being under the immense discouragement and pressure and fear that David sat under with the very real enemies that he had coming at him. His story is one of such ups and downs that sometimes we try to figure out how he could really be a "man after God's own heart." But just stop and think about how much of David's life he spent running and hiding and in real fear for his life.

He's discouraged and sees no end to the real feeling that God has turned his back on him. He asks God four times, "how long?" as if it has been a while since he's felt the real presence of the Lord. His awesome faith wraps up the end and just should elate us as those who have trusted in Jesus' grace and mercy.

He remembers that his faith in God's Mercy is what has brought him salvation and that God's love/mercy is permanent. So glad I trust in that same mercy and grace. You?

XII

The Psalm starts with "Help, Lord..."

Why don't I think that every day even every moment of my life? In every temptation, in every triumph, in every project, in every decision, every chance meeting, every conversation, every relationship, "help Lord" would bring such peace and perspective.

Our friend Spurgeon just wrote this gem; "A short, but sweet, suggestive, seasonable, and serviceable prayer."

(Got to love the alliteration)

just/right

I saw a homeless man on a corner in West Lafayette today, I did nothing. I had eaten a huge lunch at Arby's not a half hour before that and then drove home to my beautiful family and more than adequate house.

For the LORD is righteous, He loves righteousness;
The upright will behold His face.

Such a great verse, but wait for it, that word righteousness should be the word "justice." Those who walk in this upright way will behold His face. "Walk upright" looks back to those who live in the way of Jesus, in justice.

The implications for this are huge if we walk in justice. Spurgeon said, "It is not only his office to defend it, but his nature to love it. He would deny himself if he did not defend the just.

In what ways am I looking to bring justice to this world? In what ways do I ignore justice?

10 Today

Rights will be vindicated, and wrongs redressed, at his throne. - C.H. Spurgeon

Psalm 10:17-18
You hear, O LORD, the desire of the afflicted;
you encourage them, and you listen to their cry,

defending the fatherless and the oppressed,
in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more.

Our ears should hear the same cries and defend the same people as we bring His kingdom, His throne to earth.

Upon the Muth-labben

It's one of the hardest things to do for someone who likes to teach. Take subject matter that has huge ideas and implications, find the most poignant and applicable idea and just talk about that. It's what makes guys like Andy Stanley, Rob Bell and Mark Driscoll such great communicators. They know how to find the most brilliant, huge diamond among all of the rest of the jewels and then cut it and polish it until it is unmistakable. There is so much to write about each of these psalms and there is so much to think about. Spurgeon said in his prologue that he struggled to hold it to what he wrote and it's over 1300 pages with tiny type face.

Let me just look at one verse in Psalm 9. Verse 10 says "those who know your name will put their trust in you. for you, Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you."

Really, this is an amazing promise. "let the poor seekers draw comfort from this fact, and let the finders rejoice yet more exceedingly, for what must be the Lord's faithfulness to those who find if he is so gracious to those who seek," spurgeon said of this verse.

In the middle of all the "stuff" that wrestles for our attention, it is hard to seek out God...there's too much noise. Look at the promise, though. If we are truly seeking Him...

Read the psalm and then with the psalmist "joy in His joy, and our joy shall be full" - C.H.Spurgeon

8

Late last night I was writing about the brilliance of stars against a black night sky. This morning Psalm 8 has me thinking of them again. Such a magnificent psalm that lifts God to His proper place and does its best to put us in ours. I am just going to throw some quotes from the Treasury of David in here today. I've been lifted and humbled this morning in my own meditation and I hope that as you read this psalm you are as well.

We gave you but a feeble image of our comparative insignifigance, when we said that the glories of an extended forest would suffer no more from the fall of a single leag, than the glories of this extended universe would suffer though the globe we tread upon, and all that it inherits, should dissolve - Dr. Chalmers

Meditation fits for humiliation...Night was made for man to rest in. But when I cannot sleep, may I, with the Psalmist, entertain my waking with good thoughts. Not to use them as opium, to incite my corrupt nature to slumber, ut to bolt out bad thoughts, wich otherwise would possess my soul. - Thomas Fuller

It is a marvelous thing, that God thinks upon men, and remembers them continually. - John Calvin

Oh the grandeur and littleness, the excellence and the corruption, the majesty and meanness of man - Pascal

night sky

I absolutely love to look at the stars on a dark night. It is amazing to think about God's amazing scope of influence, His power, His creativity, His beauty. All of these things just seem to shine with each star and with them as they join together so spectacularly. Part of what adds to their beauty is a completely dark area to look at them through. It's a definite advantage that we have living in a small town and out in the country. The stars shine brighter in the darkness.

It's the same with Psalm seven. It's dark. In the darkness, God shines through in amazing clarity. Spurgeon says of verse 17, " they all (the psalms)exhibit the blessedness of the righteous, and make its colours the more glowing by contrast with the miseries of the wicked. The bright jewel sparkles in a black foil."

Is this a partial answer to everyone's question, "why does a good God let bad things happen?" God's goodness and greatness looks even more amazing against the darkness of this world. David, throughout the psalms, seems to see God as more amazing when everything around seems to be so dark.

still a problem

My name is David...maybe obvious cause you know me or because you saw that my blog has my name at the top of it. That aside, it's not the only thing I feel that I have in common with the David of psalm fame. I love him as a character because I feel that I relate to him. Nothing seems to connect me more deeply with God than song and playing and singing music to Him. I really see David as that exact kind of guy. I also feel as though my failures can really grip my life and that I can have a hard time seeing them until they seem so obvious to everyone else. Conviction comes strong and hard and I find myself in these kinds of spiritual funks that I just beg God to pull me out of.

I love that the problems of three thousand years ago are the same problems of today. I love that the same psalm that rang deep in the heart of David echoed two hundred years ago in the heart of Spurgeon and again echoes today in my heart. The amazing idea in the beginning of this psalm is this understanding that God wants us to be like Him in an intense way and that when we fail, His direction comes in the form of discipline. He is a God of wrath toward sin, but He is also a God of mercy. In his hatred for the sin that takes hold of us He is merciful in His discipline so that we can come out the other side wanting to pursue Him more. In our failure we should be drawn into a complete brokenness and a true longing for God to return to closeness with us, but with an understanding that His discipline and the consequences will still be there. But with that understanding we can plead with Him according to His will that the discipline be filled with His mercy.

I want to parent like that. I want to be that kind of a Dad to my kids. (one of who just came running in here as fast as he could, said, "I love you Dad," and gave me a hug and a kiss) I want to lead them in the right paths through patience, discipline, mercy and a life lived in His steps.

Five for Fighting

Ok, so six days in I'm already behind one psalm. I'm going to attempt to make that one up in the next two days, but this psalm is full. I could write on so many different things. The first few verses are awesome. Verse three is such a great reminder of how to begin our days with God, Verse eight is an acknowledgment that God is our righteousness...on and on.

I want to look at a couple of the misinterpreted sections of this psalm, though. I'll be honest, I've heard messages at several times in my life about how when our enemies come at us it is ok to pray, like David, and imprecatory prayer. That means that we can pray a curse on those who do evil. I've always cringed at the thought and even had conversations with those who have taught this way only to be told that I only see the "loving side" of God and that I should begin to understand God's anger and hatred toward sin. I still would really feel unsettled that this isn't a prayer that God is pleased with or wants to hear from His children.

I love Spurgeon's direction on this as well as the other authors that he quotes as he moves through these sections. He says that David's prayers are not literal curses on his enemies, but more prophecy of what God does to the wicked. I mean the New Testament says that we should "love our enemies and do good to them who dispitefully use us..." so to say we should pray for their destruction really flies in the face of that attitude that we're supposed to have for people.

In such Psalms wherein he confesseth his sins, or requesteth thy pardon, or praiseth for former, or prayeth for future favours, in all these give me to raise my soul to as high a pitch as may be. But when I come to such Psalms wherein he curseth his enemies, O there let me bring my soul down to a lower note. For those words were made only to fit David's mouth. I have the like breath, but not the same spirit to pronounce them. Nor let me flatter myself, that it is lawful for me, with David, to curse thine enemies, lest my deceitful heart entitle mine enemies to be thine, and so what was religion in David, prove malice in me, whilst I act revenge under the pretense of piety. - Thomas Fuller, D.D.

I'll just leave that quote to stand for itself. This is a much more full understanding of these types of psalms.

more 4 us

I know, this post is short, but a long day and an early morning tomorrow mean that I have to just drop a bit and take off. Check out this line from Spurgeon regarding the end of Psalm 4, which reads, "You have put more joy in my heart than they have when their grain and wine abound."

"It is better," said one, "to feel God's favour one hour in our repenting souls, that to sit whole ages under the warmest sunshine that this world affordeth." Christ in the heart is better than corn in the barn, or wine in the vat. Corn and wine are but fruits of the world, but the light of God's countenance is the ripe fruit of heaven.

That isn't the way we would have said it, but we would say something similar, at least I would. I'd say that Jesus and His way of living are better to me that to sit at the beach w/ a pina colada. Salvation is better than all the best homes and cars that money can buy. It's one of the cliche Christian statements. Living that is hard though, is it not.

third and long

Have you ever walked through one of those haunted houses around halloween? I remember in high school it was always the best. We would head out at least once a weekend when the Niles haunted house would be open and shuffle our way through. All the guys doing their best to feign laughter and machismo but all the while we were nervous and every one of the slimy fingers that hit our face and the masks on levers hitting the chicken wire beside us made us jump. The entire time the nerves were on there last bit and there was no relief until the popcorn balls were being consumed at the snack stand.

I've never been the kind to worry much, but maybe that's because I've never really had a lot of hardship in my life. There was a time a couple of years ago when my job wasn't going well and I wasn't sure how things would end up. I prayed about it a lot and though I understood that God is sovereign and that nothing that I could do ever was out of his reach, my blood pressure was high and I really couldn't sleep at night. I worried about a lot of things during that time.

This psalm is so relevant to us in situations that are out of our control. Absalom was chasing him, his soldiers and friends were abandoning him and they were holding his adulterous sin with Bathsheba against him. If anyone's blood pressure should be through the roof it is David's, but he gets a good night's sleep. It says in verse five that he slept and then awakened refreshed. The key being in the end of the verse where God sustained him. How did he have that kind of an attitude and that kind of faith, especially when that kind of weight is hanging on his shoulders? Spurgeon states it this way.

David knew that even though he had failed in the past and that there was chaos all around him, God had absolutely heard his prayer, God was absolutely the one who held up his head and that salvation still belongs to God. He slept restfully that night in that knowledge. How many sleepless nights have we spent with far less coming down upon our shoulders. I think people would see our Jesus for who He is if we lived more with this understanding and faith. Spurgeon quotes Phillip Bennett Power when he puts it this way, " those who walk by sight and not by faith will think it reasonable enough that the Christian should be afraid; they themselves would be very low if they were in such a predicament. Weak believers are now ready to make excuses for us and we are only too ready to make them for ourselves; instead of rising above the weakness of the flesh, we take refuge under it, and use it as an excuse. But let us think prayerfully for a little while, and we shall see that it should not be thus with us. To trust only when appearances are favourable is to sail only with the wind and tide, to believe only when we can see. Oh! let us follow the example of the psalmist, and seek that reservedness of faith which will enable us to trust God, come what will, and to say as he said, 'I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people, that have set themselves against me round about.'"

The greatest people I know who are following Jesus as closely as I've seen live this way. Spurgeon says that if "by humble faith thou art enabled to see Jesus as thine by his own free gift of himself to thee, if this greatesr of all blessings be upon thee, rise up and sing...I will pray this as well and pray that I can sing this deep worship tune.

second and twelve

I remember, I'm sure with some exaggeration in my mind, the days of high school basketball. Ahhh, a fond time of small Christian school ball where I thought fairly high of my hooping abilities. I can remember playing some smaller schools than ours (we only had 12 in our graduating class so you can see it wasn't a sports factory of any kind) and literally having like an eighth grader guarding me. I can remember laughing right in a little kid's face before I juked him out of his batman undies and scored an easy layup. Yeah, great athletic prowess and self-restraint I showed, but when I laughed at him it wasn't because I thought that something was particularly funny, I just knew that all of this kid's effort was really kind of silly in the long run. All of his huge effort to stop me just didn't make any sense as he in his five foot two eight grade frame just weren't enough.

On a whole different scale God looks at all of the effort of those who stand in opposition to Him and His will and His plan for the world and He just laughs. It says so right in verse four of this psalm. God is not willing that any should perish, but when He sees those who truly have rejected Him with everything that they have and then have the audacity to try and thwart His plan He gets that they just don't have any shot.

It immediately follows that He strikes them down, right? Nope. He just speaks the truth to them. God just shows them that He has the end. His Son, Jesus sits on the throne as the King of all things and there is nothing that they can do to displace Him. We win! Check out this line from Spurgeon. "While they are proposing, he has disposed the matter. Jehovah's will is done and man's will frets and raves in vain. God's Annointed is appointed and shall not be disappointed." (you've got to love the rhyme scheme there) He follows just a few lines later with "Greater conflict may here be foretold, but we may be confident that victory will be given in our Lord and King."

So the conflict comes, but we can handle it with grace, love, hope and calm because we understand that Jesus, our teacher, friend and King, sits forever reigning on the throne.

psalm the first

It's not often you hear, "psalm the first." I always just say "psalm one," or "the first psalm," but apparently in Spurgeon's day you said it the other way around. There is actually a bit of a language barrier when you first read anything by an author from the 1800's, but since I have read over a hundred of his sermons I was prepared for phrases like "joyful acclamation of the gracious man's felicity." (no that's not his wife or daughter or cat for that matter)

I will tell you this, the next 149 days are going to be rich.

Something to just grab on to today and think about as I drove and may have played golf. Verse six of psalm the first says "For the Lord knows the way of the righteous; but the way of the ungodly shall perish." The contrast in this verse is jolting. The original language carries with it the idea that God is constantly watching over and knowing the way of the one who is following in the right way of living. This is an amazing place to be. A promise that when we are following the way of Jesus, we are being watched and cared for in an ongoing way. But the flip side is just as true. We know from scripture that those who do not follow Jesus with their lives will perish, but this passage reiterates the idea that their way of living will perish. No one who is living in the way of the ungodly will be a part of the eternal kingdom of God because their way of living will be non-existent. They would serve no purpose.

Spurgeon closes the verse with a benediction of sorts that I love..."May the Lord cleanse our hearts and our ways, that we may escape the doom of the ungodly, and enjoy the blessedness of the righteous!" What an amazing reminder since our first reaction would be that we must "try harder" to live like Jesus. We can't do it on our own and Spurgeon makes it clear that it will be the Spirit's work in our life that will move us toward Christ-likeness.

This benediction will be my daily prayer (maybe worded a bit differently)that God would strip me of my ways so that I won't come to an end as one of the ungodly but that I would be able to enjoy the blessing given to those who follow in the way of Jesus.

with purpose

I have been out of full-time ministry for about four years and have not had a weekly teaching assignment in over seven months. It's really strange for me to not approach the Scripture looking for the gems that I will get to share with a lot of people in a public setting. It's what I've done since college. Over the last several months I've read and meditated through several books of the New Testament and really enjoyed some of the commentary that I've read to help guide me through the Scriptures. But having just finished Galatians last week, I really wanted something fresh.
I started through the psalms again over the last week and was really enjoying them when I remembered some dusty books on my shelf. I grabbed the first volume of Spurgeon's "Treasury of David" and read through Psalm 1 again and then read the several pages of Spurgeon's sermon and then his exegesis of the passage. It was really pretty awesome to hear his take on these ancient God-breathed poems. I decided that I was going to take one of these psalms every day and then take Spurgeon's thoughts on them and make that my next Bible study project.
So I'm going to start that over tomorrow and take on the 150 psalms and the over 1300 pages by Spurgeon in the next 150 days. Every day a psalm followed by the "Prince of Preacher's" spin on what God wanted us to know. I am really looking forward to hearing his voice on the subjects as well as hearing the Holy Spirit speak into my life. I'm sure that it will be life-changing as I journey through it.
I will blog something about it every day. Sometimes my entries will be very short, and sometimes I'm sure I'll be so fired up that I won't be able to stop writing. My purpose in the blog will be to give me an outlet for some of this, but really it will be so that you can help keep me accountable.(I have a tendency to let personal goals kind of go by the wayside if I don't have someone else helping push me to meet them) Maybe I'll even be able to share something with you that will encourage your walk with Christ. I am really excited about getting up tomorrow morning and working through one of my favorite books in the Scriptures this way.

For whom?

I really like this commercial and when I saw it the other night I was reminded of the scripture in Galatians that says, "Do I now persuade men, or God? Or do I seek to please men? for if I still pleased men I would not be a servant of Christ."

It's great not to "ride" for the critics it's how we're supposed to "ride". So hard to ignore their voices, though. It's probably one of my bigger battles that I have victory over at times, but then fail in at others. I want to stop caring what others think of me and truly pursue the truth unfettered by others voices. I have a long way to go, glad this got me thinking about it again

Two Hours

I have not forgotten my blog. I have not found the evils of blogging and decided that it shouldn't be done. I have not forgotten how to spell. I have, however, found that that when I blog that it takes a lot of time. I have decided that those two hours that I have after the kids go to bed should be used in building my marriage and honing the craft that I believe that God has gifted me to do. I have decided that I will continue to blog, but after a bit of a break that it will be shorter thoughts and that if I have something bigger to write about that takes more space and time that I will wait and put it down here at a time when I really "have time" to do it. So, after a break of several weeks, I'm back.

long day

it started at around 4:30am...actually it was about 2:00p yesterday afternoon when my first flight was delayed, but all of that last night led to a 4:30a start to my day that really was about a half an hour too late. I shuffled around my room trying to get my head on straight and then scurried around my room when I did the math on how much time I'd have when I got to the airport. a 6:20 departure time was looming huge so I got to the lobby, called for a cab, ran up to my room to get something I'd forgotten, ran back down, waited for the cab, rode in the cab, paid for the cab at 5:52a and literally ran through the airport and fortunately was met with no line at the security checkpoint and boarded my plane with about 10 minutes to spare.
I was surrounded by people over the last 24 hours who were in the same predicament as I was and yet I heard very little complaining. I mean, we talked about the inconvenience and then laughed about how the story would sound later. We all were going to get to where we were going eventually. It was better to be safe, on the ground in an airport without a place to stay then it would be to be thousands of feet above the ground in an airplane that wasn't safe.
I tried so hard to get onto other flights and make it to where I wanted to be last night and there was nothing I could do to get there. I couldn't get home and I couldn't get to a close hotel, and I couldn't get to my required meeting today until about two hours late. I don't know why exactly. I may never know why. I got to have a couple of conversations with people in the airport. I got to meet a great cab driver from Ethiopia. And I got to eat a cinnabon for breakfast this morning with an ice cold americano with one pump of classic from starbucks. I may never know why my journey included those things today, but I'm amazed that God would take me the way he does, safe every step of the way. And tonight, one night later than I expected, I'm home with my family and loving every minute.

spare

A few days ago on our way to lunch I needed to get some starch, some chewing gum and some toothpaste. My friend had to go meet with a lady who was without a steady income, had just lost her baby in a fall and was heading in for surgery this week to remove some cancerous tumors. She didn't know me, it would be awkward if I were there so he dropped me off at Target to get my things. I prayed for him as I went in asking God to use him to speak His words into her life.
It takes less time to get starch, chewing gum, and toothpaste than it does to sit an talk and pray with someone so I browsed a few of the shops in the outdoor shopping center as I waited. I looked with feigned interest at some GPS watches at a running store, smelled the inticing aromas of a metro diner, held a spatula that cost more than my dishwasher and browsed a sports clothing store. The girl at the sports clothing store was trying to get me to buy a pair of astronomically expensive shorts to wear home from my workouts when I was rescued by a call from my friend who said he was on his way. "fifteen minutes," he said.
I ventured out of the store only to find three older ladies gathered around the back of a car whose heads all whipped around and asked me almost simultaneously "would you change our tire?"
I told them I would and they were ecstatic. The ladies needed to be to the hospital in an hour and wondered if I would be done before that. I assured them that if it took me that long, I had done something horribly wrong. I changed the tire and was finishing as my friend drove up. He helped me tighten the lug nuts as I lowered the jack. I loaded the faulty tire back into the trunk and was gathring my starch, chewing gum and toothpaste when the lady tried to hand me money. I assured her that it was completely unnecessary and in a flash she was reaching to stuff it into my pocket. I tried to dodge to no avail...that's an awkward place for a lady to be reaching, you know...
My friend laughed when we got into the car and asked me how much the lady had stuffed in my pocket. I looked at it and it was twenty five dollars. Just enough for lunch. He had a smile on his face so I asked him what was up. He told me that over the last several months that he had been giving this lady he had visited and her family money and gift cards to help them get the needed groceries and to pay their bills. He said each time he told God that this was a gift for Him and that he knew God would keep his promises to give back. He told me of how last month he had given her the $200 that he and his wife were going t use for an aniversary getaway to help her out and that the next week someone had given them a two night stay at a resort and then someone else had given them like $200 to spend while there. He told me that right before he had called me to say he was on his way that he had handed the lady's sister $20 to cover a cab ride to the airport and some food on the way. He told God he was interested to see how that $20 would find it's way back into his pocket...meanwhile I was changing a ladies tire and God was paying for my friend's lunch.
Some people believe there is no God.

strings and agendas part 2

As I read through my last post, I wasn't sure that I was completely clear. The thing is that I believe that we the subject is bigger than can be contained in a blog or two so I'm going to write a book and you can get a copy of it...wait, no I'm not. I would, however, like to clear up what I meant by agenda.
Our agenda, as followers of Jesus, cannot be to get people to join our church. It should never be to get people to do what WE want them to do. It cannot be to change people into what we think they should look like. It should not be to change their sexual orientation. It should never be advertised as something that it is not. It cannot be to get them to join our small group. It is never to be to get them to read better books and it absolutely cannot be to somehow earn the love that we are going to give them.
Our agenda is to be to show them Jesus. This means loving without strings attached, but means sharing the message of who Jesus is along with that love. Not in a way that preaches or shoves down the throat and not in such a way as to have to always get in a word about Jesus. It doesn't have to be on the sign and it doesn't have to be the first and the last thing that we say. But the message should at some point turn to Jesus.
Hopefully this makes my message a bit more clear.

strings and agendas

I go through waves with my reading. I read a ton, and then it's like I can't figure out how to find a minute here or there to read. I mostly read books that are recommended to me by friends or spiritual mentors of mine, or if a favorite author writes a new volume I'll usually pick it up.
It seems that lately most of what I have read has a huge angle toward social justice. I have not purposely looked for this theme, but I have truly been challenged to live in such a way that I am watching for opportunities to use the resources that I have been given to help lift those who do not have. I absolutely believe that the church must move with purpose in the direction of loving as Jesus loved. It is all over the Scriptures that we are to love.
We are to love one another, we are told that if we do not love others, we don't love God. We are told that if we don't have love we are like an annoying cymbal. We are told that loving those who have the capacity to give something back to us is the easy kind of love, but the love like Jesus' love is the kind that loves those who can give us nothing in return. The Scripture just screams it out. The message of Jesus must be communicated with an unconditional love and with everything we've been given above our needs, the American church (I am definitely included in that number though hopefully moving in the right direction) has left a huge gap between the love that is being shown and the ability/capacity that we have to love.
The thing about the prominent message out there is this continual call to love with no strings attached and no agenda. Now, I think I know what is being called for and I do believe that when we love those around us it should never be with small print that says, "All we're trying to do is get you to join our group." People should understand that whether or not they join our specific church or whether or not they accept our beliefs they will still be loved and accepted by us. The love we show should not be rescinded if people show a disrespect or disregard our message. People should know that they can use our love. We should love those who hate what we believe.
But WE HAVE AN AGENDA and we should have one. Our agenda is to make disciples. It is the calling that each one of has been given by God by His son Jesus. We have been saved from death by the blood of Jesus Christ and that truth of Jesus must at some point come through our love shown to others. We know that the most important thing that we have is the truth of who Jesus is and that He is the only hope for our world and for eternity.
Love is the means, love is the message.
I'm fine with no strings. I think that's the way of Jesus. But no agenda? I think we completely miss the boat if we don't have the agenda of spreading the gospel.

Gloria

This is a mother's day that I won't soon forget. It's my wife's second one as a full blown participant and this morning we walked across the stage in commitment to raising our precious baby daughter, Laila, in a loving household teaching her about the love of Jesus. There we stood with over thirty very young children. There was cooing, drooling, arm waving, shy head ducks and surprisingly no screaming or crying, and each parent made a great commitment to lead the next generation in the right direction. That isn't why I'll remember this Mother's Day. I'll remember that, but that's not why I'll remember this mother's day.

It was Sunday nap time and the phone rang and I heard my sister's voice on the answering machine. Through the fog of that vice grip feeling I get in my head when I've napped too long, I thought she said something about grandpa and then the message ended. I froze. I love my grandpa and when family leaves a vague phone message the news is never good. When I finally got up the courage to call her back she explained that they had had Mother's day lunch with mom and grandma and that although grandma (who has been battling alzheimers for years) was very quiet, my brother had made her laugh several times. They had helped grandpa get her into the handicap accessible van and taken off. My sister stopped, choked up a bit, and then continued to explain that grandma had experienced cardiac arrest and was gone.
Mother's day of all days...it was her 59th mother's day and she had cared lovingly for her children all of those years until the alzheimer's turned the tables. I'll never forget her caring for us as well.

We loved staying at grandma and grandpa's house growing up. My cousin, Ryan, and I were best friends and we would continuously conive ways to stay over whenever we could. She was the voice of reason when we wanted to swim in her swimming pool in the middle of the night and it was only 60 degrees outside but grandpa had said we could. She was the one who made us weed their huge garden or spread hay out on the strawberries when all we wanted to do was play in the creek or swim. She was also the one to have an amazing breakfast ready for us when we came down in the morning. The one who, although she had just done her hair, would come out and swim with us anyway (with this ridiculous swim cap on) while grandpa was away at work. I remember she made us wait until grandpa got home one time when Ryan and I were going to "help" by painting grandpa's beater old pickup with the paint we found in the garage. Oh and how she used to sing beautifully around the house while she did her work or how her piano playing accompanied some of our family gatherings. I still remember her leanning over to help me find my notes on that same keyboard.

I could go on and on with the memories and family could fill in the details with stories that would make you laugh and cry alike, but this is a blog and not a book so that is all you get. She was born on 01/22/33 and my mom started grandma's motherhood 59 years ago. She is survived by her husband, five children, twelve grand children and six great-grand children. Every one of us has missed her since the alzheimers took her mind, but there is an emptiness in my gut today that her death has brought and our family will grieve our loss this week in a real way.

Her name was Gloria and whenever I heard it spoken I always used to think of that Christmas song. She had lost that beautiful voice she had once had, but I imagine she's singing before her King as loud and long as she ever had. I bet she'll have a garden to work in soon while she sings since it is spring time. She'll lay delicious foods before her maker that she has grown and prepared as she sings "gloria" to her risen Savior whom she can now see for the very first time.

I'll miss her.

some good

I guess sometimes you just see something that catches your eye and then moves a bit deeper. I saw this video on www.jedidiahusa.com and found out that if I buy a shirt from them that $5 goes to a cause just like this...that's a very high percentage that they are giving away. I want to do business with people like this.

Christmas at The Gabriel House from Jedidiah Clothing on Vimeo.

cake

I put my son to bed almost every night. We read a story, we pray, we turn out the lights (he has to turn the switch off with his foot) and then I lay down with him for a few minutes until he settles down and then it's a hug and a kiss and I'm out the door. Tonight as I left he said "I'll see you in the morning and we'll make cake."

He said it with such confidence and yet I don't know where it came from. We haven't had cake at our house in quite a while and I don't think we've ever made cake in the morning. Why would we? Why would he come up with that. It doesn't seem to have any purpose in the whole scheme of what we would do on a normal Thursday and yet he said it with such confidence. Maybe we'll even make cake tomorrow because he wants to, but at this point I don't think the day is heading in that direction.

I was laughing on the way down the stairs when it kind of hit me that I make plans all of the time without considering what they would look like in the larger scheme of the life that God has planned for me and his world. I'll pray that God would give safety or a protective hand as we do whatever it is we're going to do. I wonder if God sometimes is like "I guess I'll give you safety while you do that, but why are we doing that today. It doesn't make sense in the whole scheme of what I have for you, but ok...safety granted." I realize that God knows everything that I am going to do from now until eternity and works all thing together for good for His glory, but I think that I often "make cake" when I could be doing something right in the middle of God's plan for the world.

I do like cake, though...maybe there'll be some in the house tomorrow night.

love

it seems like it's been forever since i last blogged and my last post date says it's been about a month, so no wonder that's how it feels. I just finished truly enjoying a weekend with friends doing some of the things that I really love. An entire weekend filled doing the things I love. It's been a while since I have really felt that and it really felt great.
I hear people say that they "love" what they do or that they "find meaning" in their jobs and I think back to a time when I felt the same. I know it's possible, I know that people can really mean it, because I have felt the same.
We're all gifted for something. We're all built to fill a purpose in our God's amazing world and we should be doing all that we can to fill those roles and help His kingdom be a reality here and now and yet somehow we find ways to be something other than what we were gifted to be. In my experience God gives us glimpses at points into what He really has for us. Intervals of time where we really feel fulfilled and truly feel like we're making a difference in this world for something positive. They're glimpses, so they aren't complete pictures in order to keep us in a place where we must have faith in order to step out and do that which we were created to do.
So I got to participate in a weekend where I get to hang out with a bunch of people who I love and am completely comfortable with (what an incredible time) I got to teach (I love teaching, it feels like I'm doing what I was meant to do as I am equipping other people to be what they were gifted to do). I got to sing and play music and participate in a worship service (music runs amazingly deep and I love leading worship and entertaining with music) All things that could be a part of a career and yet that is not the trail God has me walking right now.
The questions emerge at this point: should I pursue these things that I love or should I be patient in the circumstance I find myself in and just wait?
When I put it down on this screen instead of just battling it out in my head the answer seems much more clear.
I just want to do what I love.

a friend

lunch today was with a friend I hadn't sat down and talked with for a while. I knew it'd be picking up right where we left off and it never missed a beat. How is it that friendship works like that? It stinks that in this very busy world we get very little quality time with friends. And if quantity is quality, then a little quality time is really not much at all. But it seems to me that once a relationship is built, once a friendship is forged through good times and hardships, through laughter and tears, through hard work and entertainment, through good quality/quantity time that it survives long breaks and within minutes there is like there was no lapse in time at all since the last time you sat down to lunch.

Our Creator made us this way somehow with the knowledge that we'd be the kind of people who get too busy for our own good and too self-absorbed to realize that we have to have deep relationships. So he did this thing in our souls that connects us so we really can pick up right were we left off. It's almost a reminder of how Jesus' friendship with us works.

new exercise

I have friends who read much more than I do and I also have friends who read less than I do. I think I read quite a bit, but I often wish I would set aside more time for it. Normally my reading consists very heavily of non-fiction from a Christian perspective. I read theology, Christian leadership books, commentaries, books on how to live like Jesus and whatever other books I can get my hands on in that kind of vein. I began reading some books and articles on "branding" and "Team Building" in the professional world and it's definitely been stretching. I've learned a ton and I think a lot that translates to life across the board. We're a part of a team in almost everything that we do so that's important. We position ourselves as a brand as well as promoting other brands whether we are meaning to or not so that's important. Eureka!

It's something different for me. It's something that merely a few years ago I would have told you that I didn't really see the point in reading those types of books. I would never have said there was anything wrong with them. I mean, I would have said that I get it for people who were really pursuing business careers, but for me or people who are really serious about pursuing Jesus, they are a just waste of time. We could have been reading a "Christian" book.

I'm learning a lot of valuable information, though. It's amazing how truth is truth no matter where you find it. It's amazing how much great "life stuff" you can find in places that you never would have thought to look for information on "life stuff." I'm learning truth in a place I wouldn't have thought to look a couple of years ago. Maybe that's growth?

a chase

I have been having an inner dialogue for the last year or so based on some things that some friends of mine told me that they believe about the Holy Spirit. That dialogue has gotten louder and softer and louder again as I've read the word of God and other books or heard a podcast here and there. I thought "the shack" had some great things to say, and a year ago or so I had heard Mark Batterson talking about his book "Wild Goose Chase" and was intrigued. This morning at church, Mark did a great job with talking about our following the Spirit's leading and not asking the Spirit to help us with our own plan. He leads us, we don't lead and ask him to come along.
I think that this all fits in with my current inner wrestling over my obsession with myself. I loved the reminder that I need to let go of my own plans and my own vision of what should be and ask God for His Spirit's guiding. Mark challenged us to ask God to let His Spirit take us on an unpredictable adventure, one that would lead us right through His path that might look expected but probably unexpected. Why unexpected? Look at the stories in the Scripture about those who followed Jesus...Adventure! Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Moses, Joshua, David, John, Peter, Matthew, Paul...fill in another Bible character's name.
Imagine the adventure that awaits the one who follows this amazing God and submits to His Spirit. My inner dialogue will continue, and I look forward to how it plays out. Hopefully my mind and heart are open to the understanding that is true about the Spirit. I pray that I will understand this following and submit to it as only possible if I submit to the Spirit as He illuminates my heart and mind to the truths of the Word.

my humble button

It was dumb, but we used to say that we were so humble that we were going to get humble buttons so people would know how humble we were. Yeah, I told you it was dumb. I think that really, most people struggle on some level with pride. It was the reason for Satan's fall, and it really seems to be the root of most sin.
I have been doing this self-inventory and finding myself living mostly for myself. As I begin to do this recognition I have begun praying that God would begin to weed out the things that I am doing for myself and move me toward a selfless life centered on Christ and others. I have been praying this way all week, and today I ended up listening to a podcast from Mosaic with Erwin McManus speaking. I was just listening to the next one in line and was amazed at how God can just take things from all over your life and tie them together. It was a talk on a passage that I've heard taught, read, read books on and meditated on, but today it was more poignant than ever. "Blessed are the poor in spirit..." Jesus put everyone else before himself. He would never have fought for his rights or have tried to get the best of anything before someone else could get to it. If he were to see that there were only a couple of pieces of pizza left, he would go hungry and just let others take it. He always thought first of his Father and others.
The reality is that if I am going to truly follow the Jesus of the Bible, I have to be selfless I have to humble myself to the reality that others are more important than my will and desires. I must be poor in spirit. I must allow the way of Jesus to permeate my arrogant spirit and live in a posture of humility.
I want to be blessed of God. I must become more like His Son. I need to be poor in spirit.

brackets

Every year I fill them out. Every year I am toast by the end of the first day. Every year I finish last in whatever group I decide to get into. So this year, I went chalk. I just followed the committee according to the ceding, and I looked at the percentages as I filled them out online. I'll probably lose again this year, but this time I can point to someone else to blame. I just became a follower. No leading here, no going out on a limb, just simply following the pack. Safe...it's not my M O, but this year...that's how I roll.

why

Today was not a day for change. It was simply a day for observation. A day to take stock, to take a personal inventory. It was a day to ask myself, "why?"
I have been reading Francis Chan's book Crazy Love for my small group at church and though I normally read through things fairly quickly, I have forced myself to move at the pace of the group and so this week was chapter five. Last night I read it again and felt as though I had been punched in the gut. It's stuff I've wrestled with for a while and at times in the last month have tried to make changes that haven't really stuck. So today I decided that for this day I wasn't going to change anything. Here was my plan of action.

1. I was going to purposefully think about every action I took.

2. I was going to ask myself who I was serving with each action or to whose benefit I was doing that action.

Here's what I discovered (though I suspected it) about myself and my actions.

1. Most of my day was spent serving myself.

2. The actions I seemingly did for others had some kind of understanding that my helping or supporting them would benefit me in the future.

3. I am quite possibly the most self-absorbed, self-indulgent, selfish person I know.

Tomorrow I am going to do the same exercise, though this time I am going to simply change three selfish actions and turn them to unselfish actions. It's a small change, but I don't think I can handle the big ones right now.

little me

I chew my nails...it's a bad habit, I know. Leave me alone, there are worse ones. (I might have those too, but I'm not fessing up here) I try to quit every once in a while and get along for a couple of weeks while I'm thinking about it, then, without even thinking about it a couple are chewed off and it's over. I decided today that it is going to change.
I put my son to bed the last couple of nights after not seeing him for a week and it was so amazing to read him his stories and pray with him and tuck him into bed. A couple minutes after I laid down with him I heard this little clicking sound. I had seen him with his fingers in his mouth earlier in the day but didn't think anything of it. Now I know...he was copying me. It's amazing how you really want to see things change when you see them in a mirror. When that mirror has a soul and is going to begin showing even more in the years to come, it makes me want to change even more.
I already have the need to change because I'm trying to pattern my life after Jesus, but this makes a lot of things come into a more clear focus. That little man wants to be me. I better be one to be like.

good coffee

spent the last couple of days in Jackson, MI with one of my best friends. I got to observe his class on student ministry that he is teaching at a local university and then just hang out with him. It's always a blast and a lot of laughs over whatever it may be that we're drinking, eating or looking at. We had breakfast at the Roxy and it was one of the top breakfasts I'd ever eaten. We then continued to Biggby coffee for a few hours of talking over some good coffee. My sister knew I was going and asked if I'd video the experience. "It needs to be documented, you guys always sound like it is a hilarious time. So, this time I took a hidden camera and recorded our antics. Please enjoy.

not alone

the basement has several new pieces of drywall now that my brother and I have finished working down there. I'm really glad that he came to help me tonight because we did get a lot done. But really, it was more than that. I was glad to have some company. Last night I went into my son's empty bedroom and laid on his bed for a half hour missing him and the rest of my family who are visiting family on spring break. Tonight I've got company and it is great to hang out. shot his new handgun, ate some venison that I had grilled and worked on some drywall for a while...nothing too out of this world for hanging out, but it's just great to have a friend to hang out with and for it to be my brother.
Still miss my family, but it's going to make this weekend when they get back so much greater. For now, just hangin' with my bro.

life

Ok, just finally figured out the correct fingering for "there goes my life" by Kenny Chesney and it made the song so much easier to play. Then, I started singing it a bit to get my mind off of the last blog and for a bit of a gig some buddies and I have in a month or so. There was a point in there where I just pictured my little Laila climbing up our open staircase in the middle of the house and me looking up and seeing her doing that on her own and I just had this moment where I felt the consuming love that I have for her. At the same time that I can't wait until she's saying "daddy," I realize that it will mean that some of my time with her is already gone. I can't wait to make the most of every moment that I have with her. I hope I do make the most of every moment. I pray (literally) that I will be that Dad who pushes through the tough stuff and loves her with every bit of my soul. I pray that I will teach her the important stuff, the stuff that matters. I pray that I will be the one that she looks to for guidance, for advice, for encouragement, for real and transparent love. I pray that my walk with Jesus will be such that she can see it and want to follow in the same way. God, make me that man.

until when

I sat down to write a sweet blog about my daughter tonight and I may still do that but on my start up page the news story flashed across my screen: "at least 10 deaths reported," "Deadly Rampage in Alabama." The picture showed Geneva, Alabama right above the panhandle of Florida and I was a bit sickened. I went to college not super-close to Geneva. It was about 100 miles from Pensacola where I finished my undergraduate degree, but you know how things look so close on a map like that. It just had a bit more intensity to it as I read.

Again and again and again this happens. Someone comes to a place of rage where they feel that the best option is to kill others and then turn the gun on themselves. How does life get to that point and what kind of world do we live in where this happens more than once? This will be the lead story on all of the news channels across the country and we'll all hope to hear soon the killer's reasons and his plan, but in the end it will just be another in the long list of horrifying stories of people going on a killing spree. Is this world hopeless? Is there anything that we can look to that can pull our world out of this unspeakable evil? Where is God in a story like this?

I know I wrote only a few days ago on a similar issue, but here it raises its head again. These things have been happening since the beginning of time, though it seems like with our 24 hour news cycle that it happens more today. Only a few chapters into the Scriptures Cain is so infuriated that he kills his brother. There's some crazy stories about pharaohs killing all male children two and under. There is the story of some brothers who kill a whole town full of man with an elaborate plan. Herod tried to have all male children under two killed in Jesus' day. We all have heard the insane mass murders that Hitler orchestrated and more recently of Saddam Hussein and then we end up to this shooting today. Can God really be in control of a world where all of this is happening?

This world is broken, isn't it? There's no denying it. It's no more or less broken than it was the day that Adam ate of the fruit that was forbidden. People are the same as they've been for thousands of years. We are all broken creatures searching for what will make us whole. We look for love, acceptance, belonging etc. and then when we don't find it we decide that we'll just have to keep looking our whole life and that's the point of life - the looking, we lose hope and settle that there just is no hope, we lose hope and decide to take ours and/or others hope, or we realize that the hope for this world lies only in one place.

I believe that Jesus came to fix the brokenness of this world. I believe that Jesus came to be the hope of the world. I believe that Jesus will take our brokenness if we will give it completely over to him and like a master artist, put it together in the most beautiful masterpiece that we could ever imagine. This giving of our lives is so hard because we want to keep control of it just in case God would back out on his end of a bargain like others we've met and we want to be able to fall back into our comfort zone and blame him if it falls through. It's our insane desire to hold onto the brokenness that continues to hold back what God is doing in our world. But it isn't as though the world as it is doesn't do something good. The fractures, though, also serve to stand in contrast with the amazing glory and perfection of our God. This evil helps to serve the purpose of showing us how badly we need to be put together and how futile our attempts at it really are.

This giving of our brokenness to God is a difficult process. I know that I have told God that he can have my shattered life, but for some reason I continue to hold onto the bits and pieces of it that are somehow a comfort amidst a world that looks a whole lot more like my slivers than the piece of art that God is patiently working on. I truly believe that if we would give up every little portion of our scrambled lives that we would begin to see God's kingdom moving in ways that would not only put our own lives back together but would lift a hurting world toward His healing. What am I holding onto that is holding back God's work in the world around me? What are you holding onto?

traffic

I think that the biggest question that people really have about God and if he exists is the question worded a bit like "if God really is there, how come such bad stuff happens?" It's a good question. Bad stuff does happen and every day and all over the world. It happens to mothers, to fathers, to infants and to children and the bad news never seems to stop.

I went and saw the movie Taken tonight and thought it was a pretty intense, well put together movie with a decent story line. The thing is that the human trafficking issue comes hugely into play. Can you imagine that people abuse and sell other human beings? It sickened me to the core and made me ask "why could you let this happen, God?" It was a movie, yes, but these things happen every day. Women are forced into a life of drugs and prostitution in order to fulfill the sick fantasies and greed of others. So how can a good God that I so firmly believe in "let" this happen?

I wish that I could give you this amazing, stop you in your tracks answer. If I could, I'd probably be speaking to thousands of people on a weekly basis instead of writing this on my couch for all five of you who read this. I do have a bit of an answer, though, and I've been working through it myself. The scripture says, "you are the light of the world, a city on a hill that should not be hidden." It also says, "you are the salt of the earth..." The deal is that God has placed exactly the light into the world to shed illumination onto these issues and has put his people in the places where they can make a difference and change the world. He has put the resources into place to put human trafficking or starvation or any number of human calamities to an end. But those resources are wrapped up in my macbook and my nice home. These resources are wrapped up in our tricked out church buildings and our expensive meals. Those resources are wrapped up in my caffeine addiction and so they never make it to where God has equipped them to be delivered.

The more that I see movies like this or news stories or U2 songs and do nothing about it, the more desensitized I become that they are someone else's problem and that it sucks that it happens. The more that I do that, the more I can "live with" these things in the world and point a "justified" finger at God and ask Him why, or rationalize that "this sinful world deserves this." and the more I become one who is allowing hell on earth instead of one who is bringing God's kingdom.

the end

I usually absolutely love the end of the week. Fridays close with meetings and wrapping up my paperwork for the week and then the weekend brings a bit of extra time with my family and some projects getting worked on or finished. Tomorrow will be the end of a big week of work, but my family is leaving for a week without me and so this end won't quite have the sweetness of the normal Friday.

glimpse

Decisions can be tough...I mean, you really thought you wanted to do one thing and then before you even meant to and definitely before you tried to, your mind changed. Or maybe it was your heart that changed. You really don't want to say that you're flip flopping, but it's close. You are pretty sure that you've changed your mind and your heart, though still longing, is following. Or has your heart changed and your mind is having a tough time following? So there will still be those times when you aren't positive that you've made the right decision and yet you are sure that it is where you are supposed to be.

Maybe that free fourth shot in my Americano at Starbucks was a bad idea.

self-consious

it has a couple of nice gouges in it after only a few hours of aiming myself down a mountain on a single board over and over again. I bought it only a couple of hours before we got there and only after my good friend assured me that he would never make fun of someone for wearing a helmet. It's a "cool" helmet if there is such a thing. I saw a few of the high-flying boarders wearing the same one yesterday. Several small children wearing the same one (you know, the kids at age 6 who are already all tricked out in their burton gear whose parents drop them off every day to snowboard) The difference was I was an adult without the rest of the "cool" gear and I was riding the bunny hill. Ok, maybe I only saw the bunny hill up close a couple of times, but still...the three jumps I tried, I never really got air born except for after my butt and head had bounced off of the ice with a thin layer of snow over it.

I'm glad I had the helmet, I was a bit self conscious about it throughout the day, but it probably saved a mild concussion and maybe a couple of years with my grand kids. I laughed when my brother brought up this little clip from Jerry.



It's true...I care way too much what people think of me...I care less than I did a few years ago, but for some reason I feel the need for people to be impressed with me. Maybe my dad never gave me enough praise when I was young, maybe I have some deep seeded memories that lead me to these kinds of thoughts, or maybe I just need to practice more humility.

Maybe I should just wear a helmet for everything...(that's for you, ben).

twenty minutes

it's all I got to spend with my son tonight after work. Normally I get a couple of hours and it's all sorts of fun and laughter, but I had to do some work with an electrician all night and so I just took a 20 minute break and put him to bed. I thought he'd be disappointed, but instead he was just as excited as can be to have me for those few minutes. We brushed his teeth, got his blankie and Bunny, read a couple of books, prayed, laid down and got an incredible, huge hug from the little man...then another and "tomorrow we'll eat some rice christmas treats, daddy, for lunch" and that was it. I love being a dad.

google bar

"my google bar, as I am sitting here looking at it, reads diarrhea with rash for toddlers." It's the last thing I looked up tonight before jumping on facebook and answering some emails. You probably guessed it...my son is a bit sick today. We're trying to pump him full of electrolytes and get him some sleep and we'll see how it works.

The odd thing is that he's happy as can be as long as his diaper is not full of whatever that is that's coming out of him. He doesn't seem sick at all. He wants to play, he wants to read books, go over his ABC's and play some hoops. He has no symptoms whatsoever except that mess every hour or so and a rash that he keeps hidden underneath his shirt.

I was thinking about how that corresponds with what we do in our day to day lives. (it's what I do, I can't help it) Everything looks so great on the outside and even in our hearts and minds we are pursuing Jesus and really seeking how we can live kingdom type lifestyles and then, out of nowhere, comes this selfishness that drives us to something that is totally for ourselves. It doesn't advance the kingdom in any way and in some ways it detracts from what God is doing in the world. We're shocked and ashamed by our action and we confess it and move on, back to what we were doing before and things seem so great again. Until we fill our diapers for the umpteenth (to borrow a word from my mother) time. We keep changing it and changing it, but the discomfort we feel is not affecting us deeply enough. The diaper gets changed but the dysentery continues and we don't get to the root of the problem.

There are different ways to get to the root of the different problems that each of us has. It's time to acknowledge that the problem isn't just those momentary lapses. The problem goes much deeper than that. It's time to stand up and face those things, to make them known to the people around us who can help us make a difference. It's time to do the hard things and attack the problem, not just change the diaper.

oscars

Last week we went out to "the big city" and my wife bought a dress specifically for tonight...no we're not going to dress up at home and pretend we're at the Oscars, we're going to an Oscar party. I'm positive that had you asked me for a list of the type of parties that I would be attending in my lifetime just three weeks ago that Oscar party would not be on that list. A couple of weeks ago, we were invited to this benefit dinner and the expensive plates were paid for, so here we go.

Annie just got back from having her hair done by a friend and she looks amazing. She hasn't even changed into the "gown" yet and wow! It's going to be fun. I already know it is going to be one of those moments that we'll remember. We're not "Oscar Party" kind of people so this is definitely going to be one of those out of the ordinary moments that we'll laugh and smile about for years to come. It will be good for us, good for our marriage. I'm dressing up in a black suit and tie tonight and I'm looking forward to it. Not sure I've said that since my wedding day.

eklesia

Tomorrow's Sunday. My whole life, at least as far back as I remember it, had been geared with Sunday as the day to work toward and look forward to. I have always loved Sundays. I love the feeling when I get out of bed in the morning. It just feels different. The coffee always tastes better on Sunday mornings. I have always looked forward to seeing all of the people (though at some point I was told that's not the thing we should be going to church for...absurd) I love and minister with and to as we arrive at the building where we meet to worship. It has always been what I do.

I love the fact that it is the first day of the week and yet it has been set aside since the resurrection of my Jesus for God. I love that even those who refuse to acknowledge God still set it aside.

The preaching (this is what I was told is the most important thing) is high on my list of things to look forward to on Sunday. A short or long, sometimes interesting, sometimes relevant message of truth from the Bible that always makes me think. It's so good to hear truth.

Oh, and music, I wasn't about to forget that. I love to hear all of the people's voices filling up the room with cries of joy or pain but always to their God in song. It is just beautiful, even if some of the people are a bit off key. I love praise songs, I like old hymns, I like the songs you never expected to hear at church, but seem to be oh so poignant on a Sunday morning.

Sundays are a bit different for me right now. I have no space in them of public ministry as I have had for the last 16 years. Some of it is nice. It's great to observe and to be anonymous. It's great to not have to be anyone for anyone but my family. I don't know when or what it will look like when God moves me back into that space, but for now I can rest in the knowing that He is faithful during this strange time. I miss it, though. I still love Sundays...there's just something missing a bit in them for me right now.

ulcers

I don't know if it's true or not, but people say that you can get an ulcer from worrying too much. I'm really not one to worry a lot. It's not how I roll, but I had a meeting today that I was seriously nervous about and every time I thought about it I would get that sinking feeling in my gut.

It was dumb. Walked into the meeting, everything was fine and walked out with things as good as they've ever been.

I can hear it now, echoing in my ears. "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer..." ok, that's how it echos in my mind, but what it means is. "Don't worry about anything, but pray and plead and make those things known to God who can actually do something about them."

It's hilarious...every single time that I worry...every time...the thing that I am worried about ends up being ok. I can see how it'd give you an ulcer. I'm trying to quit.

the loudest

I want to be able to listen better. I mean that in every way, to friends, to my wife, to people I work with. But more specifically I want to move out some of the noise that crowds my head every day. It seems like I just keep jamming more in there all of the time instead of trying to move them out. I see God getting several individual's attention in still quiet moments in scripture, and I just don't think I have enough of those in my life to listen to Him speak. Have I been missing some of the things that God has been trying to show me, simply because there's so much going on? I'm sure of it.

The loudest voices seem to always win out in my life...the "outdoor voices" can completely get my attention and pull me away from the things that matter. It's so loud sometimes.

God help me be still before you. Help me to find the moments of silence in my own mind to where I can just stop and listen. Help me to understand how to turn off the voices that are so loud so that you can speak in your quiet indoor voice and I will be able to hear it.

insane

the thought has driven me to it today...how could someone harm their child? I love my two kids more than I could have ever imagined, so even the thought of their being in harms way makes me shudder. Never have I awaken from sleep so suddenly or in such terror as when I've dreamt something was happening to my son. So when I got the call today from a Lieutenant about one of my blood drive coordinators being the only real suspect in her son's homicide I wanted to scream.

This lady with whom I spent time with putting together a blood drive in honor of her infant son's brief life had actually been the one to kill him. I don't know the details...I don't know if it was an accident...but I know that the Lieutenant said that it was definitely a homicide. She had harmed her child to the point of his death...6 months old.

I had been thinking about how God is our father and how that makes his love and care for us in our rage or in our complacency make a bit more sense. But today, I am thankful that he is a loving Father who having marked us out beforehand for adoption through Jesus Christ to himself, according to the good pleasure of his will, made us sons. He had the choice to choose us as His children, and he did. It was not something forced upon him, not some child he wished that his wife had not gotten pregnant with. This child (completely depraved me) was his chosen, adopted son. He does not wish me harm. In fact, he has a plan for me...he has a future...a future filled with hope and direction, a plan filled with the God-kind of prosperity where I think less of me and more of others and become more like my Father. If I fail Him, He's God so He knew it was coming and He's already forgiven me.

In moments where I think that the unthinkable has happened, sometimes it's best to dwell on the truth that I know about God. The questions still come to mind, but they are questions from a mind that at least has a great anchoring point.

sunday

Every time the door opens is what I was told, taught, how I was brought up, but today...didn't go to church. I have a good excuse. I was nauseous all night and this morning I spent a good amount of time with the porcelain. So we didn't go. It kind of weirded me out a bit. I haven't stayed home from church in a long time, almost felt like I needed to call someone to get permission, or to report my absence.

I probably should miss going, but I shouldn't feel bad about not going. Maybe my motive for going in the first place is wrong and that is why. Maybe it's just a bit of baggage that I carry, though.

After a bit of rest today, a bowl of chicken noodle soup, a few crackers and a couple of bottles of 7up, I'm feeling a bit better. Shouldn't have to call in sick for work tomorrow, but I'll still feel weird about not being at church today.

foam

When you go out for a romantic evening with your wife, you don't suppose that you will come back with a story that will make your drink foam out of your nose...I mean, that 's not the point of going out for a romantic dinner. Some nice quiet laughing is ok. Smiles are great and gazing is more what you have in mind.

Tonight we went out for a nice Italian dinner. Better than Olive Garden, not quite that little Italian place on the island where we honeymooned. Annie commented about half way through our dinner that the family over my left shoulder was "cute." I looked over to see the elementary aged boy talking excitedly to his mom and dad and a little baby looking over dad's shoulder right at me. They were "cute."

After the bread we waited for our food and chatted as the table next to us emptied and a rotund middle aged couple sat down to my left where Annie could not see them. After we had finished our food and were perusing the desert menu trying to decide between the tiramisu and the cannoli, the cute family left without our noticing. I'm not sure how long they had been gone before the elementary aged boy walked up by our table and was looking for something. I saw the afore mentioned rotund man reach down by his own seat (which was across his own table and facing the table which had previously been the "cute"family's) and hand the boy the family's sack of leftovers. The boy thanked him and left. I heard the man's wife say "well, you almost had them." and he sighed with a look of dissapointment, said "yeah," picked up his knife and fork and went back to his heaping bowl of pasta.

We went with the cannoli and since the couple was right over my wife's right shoulder I didn't share the story until our way out.

Reminded us of this commercial. Laughed pretty hard. Will definitely head back to that place again.

brand new

Our friends had been giddy when they talked about their new baby that would soon arrive. They have been talking about her by name for weeks. No longer was it "the baby" coming soon, but it was "baby Ava" is coming soon, or Ava Marie...beautiful name for this life that was growing inside of her, ready to come into the light in the next few weeks.

Friday we got the news that our friend had an eight pound cyst growing on her ovary and that the pregnancy was now at risk. The doctors wanted to perform the C section the following week. The news traveled fast through our small community and just about everyone I knew was praying for this little family. I couldn't imagine the fear that I would have upon hearing the news, and our friends were no different. With the news in hand, my friend went to the doctors and begged them to wait no longer. He asked, as I would have, for the surgery to be performed immediately. Why wait when his wife and his new Ava's lives were in danger?

We went to see them tonight in the hospital. Ava is absolutely beautiful (and I am not one to say that brand new babies are cute) and mom is sore but doing well. Born on Wednesday and weighing in right with the cyst it was great to see the little girl with a full head of hair sleeping peacefully by mom's side. Dad was looking a bit tired, and grandpa seemed proud watching on.

New life is amazing, is it not. Sometimes the stories like this end up in a sea of tears, but this time the joy in the room at the tiny hospital was something worth talking about and celebrating. I look forward to seeing this little family pursue their God and teach their little one truth and the best way to shadow God. It's going to be an amazing journey, and the start of it will always be a fantastic story.

slower today

It was obvious to me from the first syllables out of his mouth that the suspicions had to be true. The slightly slurred speech from my grandpa's lips gave away the effects of the slight stroke that he had during a surgery about ten days ago. When I walked into his hospital room he was reading his Bible and on the desk were his outdated cell phone and an "Amazing Grace" gospel tract. It's always the "Amazing Grace" gospel tracts with him. "They're great conversation starters," he begins, "everyone knows Amazing Grace."

Normally they're not sitting on the hospital tray, though, they're in his left front pocket. I'd never carry anything in my left front pocket...it's not cool...but when I think about it the pants pocket with the keys and spare change doesn't make sense. No one wants to read a crinkled tract. The front left shirt pocket is the most logical decision, and grandpa's never been about being cool. He's always been about sharing Jesus with everyone he meets. Jesus changed his life and by golly if grandpa isn't going to make sure everyone he meets isn't at least introduced to this Jesus he follows.

Our conversation took several great turns and we talked about what God is doing in our lives and about church and about grandma, but grandpa always asks about sharing Jesus with others. "who's the last one you witnessed to?" or "Do you go on visitation at your church?"

I've usually got a story to tell about how I've shared what I believe with someone else, but grandpa does it every day his story is almost always fresh from that week. My thought is that his way isn't the most effective way. My thought is that the gospel isn't best shared using the methods that grandpa uses, but you know what? Faithfulness to Jesus is the best way. Sharing the truth and furthering the kingdom of God in the best way that you know how and being passionate and fervent about it is what living here is supposed to be about.

My Grandpa loves Jesus and it looks different than what I picture Christianity to be. But my grandpa is a man of God. He's one who gives his greatest effort to shadowing his best friend, Jesus. I am grateful for every minute I've ever had with him, and I pray that God will give me many more amazing conversations with him, even if they are a bit slower and somewhat slurred.

confrontation is hard

I am horrible at confrontation. Partly, i think, it's my pride.

Today that reality bit me hard. There was a new lady who is taking over for one of the chapters that I work with. From all accounts she is an amazing lady who does her job well, so even though I will definitely miss the guy who I've worked with for the last couple of years I was looking forward to how things would go with the new lady.

Our meeting started off with a bit of bad news about an account and it was all down hill from there. She made a demand that I thought was unnecessary and she couldn't figure out the problem I had with it. I stated my case (probably a bit too strongly) and then she asked me a question. I began to answer when I was interrupted (this is where I began to really lose it)and instead of listening I forced the finish. Why do I have to force the finish? I'm such an arrogant____________! Anyway, I felt as though she was trying to belittle me and I said so and the meeting was out of hand for about 5 minutes. I tried to make it right by saying something about how it wasn't anything I had against them, and it came out a bit different, and now I've started off on the wrong foot with someone who I will be working with for the foreseeable future.

I honestly think that we were all in the wrong in the meeting. I know that each of us should have spoken less and listened more. I know that I wasn't the only one who handled it improperly, in fact, I don't think that I started the issues...I was the only one who could control what I did, though. I was the only one who could stop what I had to say and listen to what they had to say. I was the only one who could have changed my reactions to the appropriate actions and settled the disagreement from their point of view.

I am not good at confrontation. Mostly, I think, it's my pride.

difficult

"Anything worth doing is going to take a bit of work." I don't know if that's a saying or not. I'm not sure I've ever heard it said that way or if I were to google it how many hits I'd get, but it sure seems to prove true in my life.

I try to be a good husband...takes a listening ear and focused attention
I want to be a good guitar player...that's taking some practice time.
I try to be a good employee...takes at least a good 45 hours a week.
I try to be a good Dad...takes extended periods of time playing with and teaching the kids.
I am trying to finish my basement...it's taken the last 3 months and I'm like only a third of the way done.
I am...there's a long list.

Tonight I spent about an hour with Pro Tools trying to figure out how to use the drum loops that came with it...I've done it in Garage Band 100 times but pro tools seems a bit more difficult (its probably easy and I'm just making it hard). When I finally do get the hang of it I'll be able to make some pretty sweet music projects on my own, but as of tonight it's been a lot of hard work with nothing to show for it.

It's worth doing...or it will be.

made up name

My friend, Ben, says that he doesn't think that my friend Jimmy Hankins really exists. They've never met, and he thinks that Jimmy Hankins is just a name that I made up so that when people have a cool story I can tell a cooler one and drop the name "Jimmy Hankins" as the buddy that I did it with. That way, no one will be the wiser, and who's gonna mess with a guy as cool as this "Jimmy Hankins" seems to be.

I think that is a hilarious thought, but Jimmy is real (really, ben, I'm not making this up) and tonight he and his wife invited us over for some Sunday night snack food and just some hanging out. After eating some tots and a few other things and after my son threw up on their couch Jimmy and I slipped upstairs to his studio and began working in Sony Acid on a bit of a song...45 minutes later after pouring through stacks of loops we had come up with a brilliant piece of work that we called "Kings". It was a good groove...lyrically weak, but a solid effort for under an hour.

I loved it. Had a blast. Laughed, sang, played guitar, just exercised a bit of creativity and just had a blast doing it. I love being creative. I love the processes of being creative, and it doesn't just have to be music, really. I mean, that's probably my favorite creative outlet, but I like to write, to come up with speaking topics and deliver them, to create worship environments, to attempt at visual art. I don't know what it is about it...maybe it's that God is creative (look at all of the colors, smell the smells, experience the tastes, look at all of the faces of your friends on facebook...he's creative) and that is the part of God that he made most resonate within me.

Maybe I'm just a rebel who wants things his own way, but I like to think that it is the first reason.

quick

We haven't been there since the first year we were married. It was after church on a Sunday night and a great older couple from our church asked us to go to pizza quick for dinner. It's a pizza place in Peru with a small town chuck e. cheese type feel. We never really think about going there, but my good friend, Justin was in town with his girlfriend and I hadn't gotten a chance to really get to know her at all. We found out that they were going to be hanging out with his little sister, Anna, for the night and Tait absolutely loves Anna.

We ended up at Pizza Quick for the night laughing and talking and watching Tait win gobs of tickets (those were worth a couple of smarty suckers, a tiny rubber lizard, a bouncy ball, and a chinese handcuffs) learning more about one another, watching my wife just be a great mom, and really just adding another great memory into our lives.

Pizza Quick in Peru...Great memory? Could those go together? They do when you're with the ones that you care about most and the ones that they care about most. It's about the people...places set the background...but it's about the people.

complaint

I love to watch some good basketball, so I really don't get into the season until the playoffs. Last night there was a very good game on with a rematch of last year's finals. The Lakers and the Celtics sat atop the west and the east respectively, and the game lived up to all of the day's hype on ESPN. Into overtime the game went with Kobe hitting a couple of clutch 3's, Paul Pierce taking the key shots to keep it right there and Kevin Garnett fouling out. I was bummed to see it on a strange non call on Derrick Fisher and hardly any contact on Garnett's part, but he fouled out nonetheless.

I was glad to see Garnett rise above without whining and just leave the floor. I thought to myself "classy guy." That was until I heard his after game interview on the radio today. He said that they just should have played better, but had to follow that up with a "I'm not sure what is and what isn't a foul..." Aahhhh! Why does everyone whine? why do we have to always have the last word on things? I do it too...I don't seem to take things as they come, I like to have the last word, to make sure to place the blame onto someone else. To complain that I'm not getting a fair shake. I like to mask it in a false humility that half way points to me as the problem but leaving me an out.

We all love it when someone rises above the self love and fully takes blame. Someone who doesn't point fingers at someone else, but understands that to truly lead is to bear the brunt of whatever may come. Even if that is not fair. I think of Jesus, with the soldiers mocking him and the chief priests before him. He didn't even speak. He took the blame. He led strongly, and silently. Allowing the unfair accusations to come and allowing the punishment that was completely undeserved to fall squarely on his wide and capable shoulders. In light of that, whose leadership seems the greatest to follow?

I wonder

I wonder if they remember anything about anything that happened before, I don't know, a year ago? I wondered this as I listened to some friends have nothing nice to say about some other friends of mine. These friends were also former friends of one another, but now the rift has become larger than life. I mean, the lives of each were touched in a massive way by the other. They were responsible for helping one another get to new heights in their Christian walks. They were each closer to Jesus for having walked along the same path for a while and yet, now, after what seems like a petty disagreement over a bit of different theology, they don't speak to one another.

Not only is it not speaking to one another, but each party now has negative things to spread about the other. That sucks! I hate it. I don't want to hear it.

Where does that come from? We talked about spiritual amnesia the other night in our small group, about how we forget about this huge God we serve and somehow leave Him out of our thoughts. I think that we have relational amnesia too. Little things wedge between us and cause a bit of separation...how far does it go? how far should it go? what's that going to look like in heaven?

Good For Me

Had a good friend send me a link to the book "Porn-Again Christian" by Mark Driscoll. This is a quick read, but is full of great insight on our battle as males with sexual sin. This book is frank and often borders on crass, but sometimes we do need to hear it like it is. Sin is ugly, and this epidemic of sexual immorality in our nation, the world and in Christianity as a whole needs to be called out, so Driscoll does.

If you are a man who ever struggles with sexual sin (pretty sure that's all of us who still have everything in tact) I recommend it. I've been caught in the trap before, I battle my flesh every day in this area and it's good to have it brought in different lights like this.

This one section of the book really just struck me...Mark says that as a human being...
You are not an animal. You are the glory of God.
You are not a pervert. You are the glory of God.
You are not an addict. You are the glory of God.
You are not a victim. You are the glory of God.
You are not a fool. You are the glory of God.

Absolutely fantastic part. It was worth reading for me if just for these lines.

Remember, I did say if you are a MAN...read this. I wouldn't recommend it to ladies, and Mark kind of prefaces the book as such. It really is quite graphic in its disgust with sexual sin. I'm putting a link here to the website where you can download the book and read it for free.


www.relit.org

Check it out...let me know what you think.