twenty minutes

it's all I got to spend with my son tonight after work. Normally I get a couple of hours and it's all sorts of fun and laughter, but I had to do some work with an electrician all night and so I just took a 20 minute break and put him to bed. I thought he'd be disappointed, but instead he was just as excited as can be to have me for those few minutes. We brushed his teeth, got his blankie and Bunny, read a couple of books, prayed, laid down and got an incredible, huge hug from the little man...then another and "tomorrow we'll eat some rice christmas treats, daddy, for lunch" and that was it. I love being a dad.

google bar

"my google bar, as I am sitting here looking at it, reads diarrhea with rash for toddlers." It's the last thing I looked up tonight before jumping on facebook and answering some emails. You probably guessed it...my son is a bit sick today. We're trying to pump him full of electrolytes and get him some sleep and we'll see how it works.

The odd thing is that he's happy as can be as long as his diaper is not full of whatever that is that's coming out of him. He doesn't seem sick at all. He wants to play, he wants to read books, go over his ABC's and play some hoops. He has no symptoms whatsoever except that mess every hour or so and a rash that he keeps hidden underneath his shirt.

I was thinking about how that corresponds with what we do in our day to day lives. (it's what I do, I can't help it) Everything looks so great on the outside and even in our hearts and minds we are pursuing Jesus and really seeking how we can live kingdom type lifestyles and then, out of nowhere, comes this selfishness that drives us to something that is totally for ourselves. It doesn't advance the kingdom in any way and in some ways it detracts from what God is doing in the world. We're shocked and ashamed by our action and we confess it and move on, back to what we were doing before and things seem so great again. Until we fill our diapers for the umpteenth (to borrow a word from my mother) time. We keep changing it and changing it, but the discomfort we feel is not affecting us deeply enough. The diaper gets changed but the dysentery continues and we don't get to the root of the problem.

There are different ways to get to the root of the different problems that each of us has. It's time to acknowledge that the problem isn't just those momentary lapses. The problem goes much deeper than that. It's time to stand up and face those things, to make them known to the people around us who can help us make a difference. It's time to do the hard things and attack the problem, not just change the diaper.

oscars

Last week we went out to "the big city" and my wife bought a dress specifically for tonight...no we're not going to dress up at home and pretend we're at the Oscars, we're going to an Oscar party. I'm positive that had you asked me for a list of the type of parties that I would be attending in my lifetime just three weeks ago that Oscar party would not be on that list. A couple of weeks ago, we were invited to this benefit dinner and the expensive plates were paid for, so here we go.

Annie just got back from having her hair done by a friend and she looks amazing. She hasn't even changed into the "gown" yet and wow! It's going to be fun. I already know it is going to be one of those moments that we'll remember. We're not "Oscar Party" kind of people so this is definitely going to be one of those out of the ordinary moments that we'll laugh and smile about for years to come. It will be good for us, good for our marriage. I'm dressing up in a black suit and tie tonight and I'm looking forward to it. Not sure I've said that since my wedding day.

eklesia

Tomorrow's Sunday. My whole life, at least as far back as I remember it, had been geared with Sunday as the day to work toward and look forward to. I have always loved Sundays. I love the feeling when I get out of bed in the morning. It just feels different. The coffee always tastes better on Sunday mornings. I have always looked forward to seeing all of the people (though at some point I was told that's not the thing we should be going to church for...absurd) I love and minister with and to as we arrive at the building where we meet to worship. It has always been what I do.

I love the fact that it is the first day of the week and yet it has been set aside since the resurrection of my Jesus for God. I love that even those who refuse to acknowledge God still set it aside.

The preaching (this is what I was told is the most important thing) is high on my list of things to look forward to on Sunday. A short or long, sometimes interesting, sometimes relevant message of truth from the Bible that always makes me think. It's so good to hear truth.

Oh, and music, I wasn't about to forget that. I love to hear all of the people's voices filling up the room with cries of joy or pain but always to their God in song. It is just beautiful, even if some of the people are a bit off key. I love praise songs, I like old hymns, I like the songs you never expected to hear at church, but seem to be oh so poignant on a Sunday morning.

Sundays are a bit different for me right now. I have no space in them of public ministry as I have had for the last 16 years. Some of it is nice. It's great to observe and to be anonymous. It's great to not have to be anyone for anyone but my family. I don't know when or what it will look like when God moves me back into that space, but for now I can rest in the knowing that He is faithful during this strange time. I miss it, though. I still love Sundays...there's just something missing a bit in them for me right now.

ulcers

I don't know if it's true or not, but people say that you can get an ulcer from worrying too much. I'm really not one to worry a lot. It's not how I roll, but I had a meeting today that I was seriously nervous about and every time I thought about it I would get that sinking feeling in my gut.

It was dumb. Walked into the meeting, everything was fine and walked out with things as good as they've ever been.

I can hear it now, echoing in my ears. "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer..." ok, that's how it echos in my mind, but what it means is. "Don't worry about anything, but pray and plead and make those things known to God who can actually do something about them."

It's hilarious...every single time that I worry...every time...the thing that I am worried about ends up being ok. I can see how it'd give you an ulcer. I'm trying to quit.

the loudest

I want to be able to listen better. I mean that in every way, to friends, to my wife, to people I work with. But more specifically I want to move out some of the noise that crowds my head every day. It seems like I just keep jamming more in there all of the time instead of trying to move them out. I see God getting several individual's attention in still quiet moments in scripture, and I just don't think I have enough of those in my life to listen to Him speak. Have I been missing some of the things that God has been trying to show me, simply because there's so much going on? I'm sure of it.

The loudest voices seem to always win out in my life...the "outdoor voices" can completely get my attention and pull me away from the things that matter. It's so loud sometimes.

God help me be still before you. Help me to find the moments of silence in my own mind to where I can just stop and listen. Help me to understand how to turn off the voices that are so loud so that you can speak in your quiet indoor voice and I will be able to hear it.

insane

the thought has driven me to it today...how could someone harm their child? I love my two kids more than I could have ever imagined, so even the thought of their being in harms way makes me shudder. Never have I awaken from sleep so suddenly or in such terror as when I've dreamt something was happening to my son. So when I got the call today from a Lieutenant about one of my blood drive coordinators being the only real suspect in her son's homicide I wanted to scream.

This lady with whom I spent time with putting together a blood drive in honor of her infant son's brief life had actually been the one to kill him. I don't know the details...I don't know if it was an accident...but I know that the Lieutenant said that it was definitely a homicide. She had harmed her child to the point of his death...6 months old.

I had been thinking about how God is our father and how that makes his love and care for us in our rage or in our complacency make a bit more sense. But today, I am thankful that he is a loving Father who having marked us out beforehand for adoption through Jesus Christ to himself, according to the good pleasure of his will, made us sons. He had the choice to choose us as His children, and he did. It was not something forced upon him, not some child he wished that his wife had not gotten pregnant with. This child (completely depraved me) was his chosen, adopted son. He does not wish me harm. In fact, he has a plan for me...he has a future...a future filled with hope and direction, a plan filled with the God-kind of prosperity where I think less of me and more of others and become more like my Father. If I fail Him, He's God so He knew it was coming and He's already forgiven me.

In moments where I think that the unthinkable has happened, sometimes it's best to dwell on the truth that I know about God. The questions still come to mind, but they are questions from a mind that at least has a great anchoring point.

sunday

Every time the door opens is what I was told, taught, how I was brought up, but today...didn't go to church. I have a good excuse. I was nauseous all night and this morning I spent a good amount of time with the porcelain. So we didn't go. It kind of weirded me out a bit. I haven't stayed home from church in a long time, almost felt like I needed to call someone to get permission, or to report my absence.

I probably should miss going, but I shouldn't feel bad about not going. Maybe my motive for going in the first place is wrong and that is why. Maybe it's just a bit of baggage that I carry, though.

After a bit of rest today, a bowl of chicken noodle soup, a few crackers and a couple of bottles of 7up, I'm feeling a bit better. Shouldn't have to call in sick for work tomorrow, but I'll still feel weird about not being at church today.

foam

When you go out for a romantic evening with your wife, you don't suppose that you will come back with a story that will make your drink foam out of your nose...I mean, that 's not the point of going out for a romantic dinner. Some nice quiet laughing is ok. Smiles are great and gazing is more what you have in mind.

Tonight we went out for a nice Italian dinner. Better than Olive Garden, not quite that little Italian place on the island where we honeymooned. Annie commented about half way through our dinner that the family over my left shoulder was "cute." I looked over to see the elementary aged boy talking excitedly to his mom and dad and a little baby looking over dad's shoulder right at me. They were "cute."

After the bread we waited for our food and chatted as the table next to us emptied and a rotund middle aged couple sat down to my left where Annie could not see them. After we had finished our food and were perusing the desert menu trying to decide between the tiramisu and the cannoli, the cute family left without our noticing. I'm not sure how long they had been gone before the elementary aged boy walked up by our table and was looking for something. I saw the afore mentioned rotund man reach down by his own seat (which was across his own table and facing the table which had previously been the "cute"family's) and hand the boy the family's sack of leftovers. The boy thanked him and left. I heard the man's wife say "well, you almost had them." and he sighed with a look of dissapointment, said "yeah," picked up his knife and fork and went back to his heaping bowl of pasta.

We went with the cannoli and since the couple was right over my wife's right shoulder I didn't share the story until our way out.

Reminded us of this commercial. Laughed pretty hard. Will definitely head back to that place again.

brand new

Our friends had been giddy when they talked about their new baby that would soon arrive. They have been talking about her by name for weeks. No longer was it "the baby" coming soon, but it was "baby Ava" is coming soon, or Ava Marie...beautiful name for this life that was growing inside of her, ready to come into the light in the next few weeks.

Friday we got the news that our friend had an eight pound cyst growing on her ovary and that the pregnancy was now at risk. The doctors wanted to perform the C section the following week. The news traveled fast through our small community and just about everyone I knew was praying for this little family. I couldn't imagine the fear that I would have upon hearing the news, and our friends were no different. With the news in hand, my friend went to the doctors and begged them to wait no longer. He asked, as I would have, for the surgery to be performed immediately. Why wait when his wife and his new Ava's lives were in danger?

We went to see them tonight in the hospital. Ava is absolutely beautiful (and I am not one to say that brand new babies are cute) and mom is sore but doing well. Born on Wednesday and weighing in right with the cyst it was great to see the little girl with a full head of hair sleeping peacefully by mom's side. Dad was looking a bit tired, and grandpa seemed proud watching on.

New life is amazing, is it not. Sometimes the stories like this end up in a sea of tears, but this time the joy in the room at the tiny hospital was something worth talking about and celebrating. I look forward to seeing this little family pursue their God and teach their little one truth and the best way to shadow God. It's going to be an amazing journey, and the start of it will always be a fantastic story.

slower today

It was obvious to me from the first syllables out of his mouth that the suspicions had to be true. The slightly slurred speech from my grandpa's lips gave away the effects of the slight stroke that he had during a surgery about ten days ago. When I walked into his hospital room he was reading his Bible and on the desk were his outdated cell phone and an "Amazing Grace" gospel tract. It's always the "Amazing Grace" gospel tracts with him. "They're great conversation starters," he begins, "everyone knows Amazing Grace."

Normally they're not sitting on the hospital tray, though, they're in his left front pocket. I'd never carry anything in my left front pocket...it's not cool...but when I think about it the pants pocket with the keys and spare change doesn't make sense. No one wants to read a crinkled tract. The front left shirt pocket is the most logical decision, and grandpa's never been about being cool. He's always been about sharing Jesus with everyone he meets. Jesus changed his life and by golly if grandpa isn't going to make sure everyone he meets isn't at least introduced to this Jesus he follows.

Our conversation took several great turns and we talked about what God is doing in our lives and about church and about grandma, but grandpa always asks about sharing Jesus with others. "who's the last one you witnessed to?" or "Do you go on visitation at your church?"

I've usually got a story to tell about how I've shared what I believe with someone else, but grandpa does it every day his story is almost always fresh from that week. My thought is that his way isn't the most effective way. My thought is that the gospel isn't best shared using the methods that grandpa uses, but you know what? Faithfulness to Jesus is the best way. Sharing the truth and furthering the kingdom of God in the best way that you know how and being passionate and fervent about it is what living here is supposed to be about.

My Grandpa loves Jesus and it looks different than what I picture Christianity to be. But my grandpa is a man of God. He's one who gives his greatest effort to shadowing his best friend, Jesus. I am grateful for every minute I've ever had with him, and I pray that God will give me many more amazing conversations with him, even if they are a bit slower and somewhat slurred.

confrontation is hard

I am horrible at confrontation. Partly, i think, it's my pride.

Today that reality bit me hard. There was a new lady who is taking over for one of the chapters that I work with. From all accounts she is an amazing lady who does her job well, so even though I will definitely miss the guy who I've worked with for the last couple of years I was looking forward to how things would go with the new lady.

Our meeting started off with a bit of bad news about an account and it was all down hill from there. She made a demand that I thought was unnecessary and she couldn't figure out the problem I had with it. I stated my case (probably a bit too strongly) and then she asked me a question. I began to answer when I was interrupted (this is where I began to really lose it)and instead of listening I forced the finish. Why do I have to force the finish? I'm such an arrogant____________! Anyway, I felt as though she was trying to belittle me and I said so and the meeting was out of hand for about 5 minutes. I tried to make it right by saying something about how it wasn't anything I had against them, and it came out a bit different, and now I've started off on the wrong foot with someone who I will be working with for the foreseeable future.

I honestly think that we were all in the wrong in the meeting. I know that each of us should have spoken less and listened more. I know that I wasn't the only one who handled it improperly, in fact, I don't think that I started the issues...I was the only one who could control what I did, though. I was the only one who could stop what I had to say and listen to what they had to say. I was the only one who could have changed my reactions to the appropriate actions and settled the disagreement from their point of view.

I am not good at confrontation. Mostly, I think, it's my pride.

difficult

"Anything worth doing is going to take a bit of work." I don't know if that's a saying or not. I'm not sure I've ever heard it said that way or if I were to google it how many hits I'd get, but it sure seems to prove true in my life.

I try to be a good husband...takes a listening ear and focused attention
I want to be a good guitar player...that's taking some practice time.
I try to be a good employee...takes at least a good 45 hours a week.
I try to be a good Dad...takes extended periods of time playing with and teaching the kids.
I am trying to finish my basement...it's taken the last 3 months and I'm like only a third of the way done.
I am...there's a long list.

Tonight I spent about an hour with Pro Tools trying to figure out how to use the drum loops that came with it...I've done it in Garage Band 100 times but pro tools seems a bit more difficult (its probably easy and I'm just making it hard). When I finally do get the hang of it I'll be able to make some pretty sweet music projects on my own, but as of tonight it's been a lot of hard work with nothing to show for it.

It's worth doing...or it will be.

made up name

My friend, Ben, says that he doesn't think that my friend Jimmy Hankins really exists. They've never met, and he thinks that Jimmy Hankins is just a name that I made up so that when people have a cool story I can tell a cooler one and drop the name "Jimmy Hankins" as the buddy that I did it with. That way, no one will be the wiser, and who's gonna mess with a guy as cool as this "Jimmy Hankins" seems to be.

I think that is a hilarious thought, but Jimmy is real (really, ben, I'm not making this up) and tonight he and his wife invited us over for some Sunday night snack food and just some hanging out. After eating some tots and a few other things and after my son threw up on their couch Jimmy and I slipped upstairs to his studio and began working in Sony Acid on a bit of a song...45 minutes later after pouring through stacks of loops we had come up with a brilliant piece of work that we called "Kings". It was a good groove...lyrically weak, but a solid effort for under an hour.

I loved it. Had a blast. Laughed, sang, played guitar, just exercised a bit of creativity and just had a blast doing it. I love being creative. I love the processes of being creative, and it doesn't just have to be music, really. I mean, that's probably my favorite creative outlet, but I like to write, to come up with speaking topics and deliver them, to create worship environments, to attempt at visual art. I don't know what it is about it...maybe it's that God is creative (look at all of the colors, smell the smells, experience the tastes, look at all of the faces of your friends on facebook...he's creative) and that is the part of God that he made most resonate within me.

Maybe I'm just a rebel who wants things his own way, but I like to think that it is the first reason.

quick

We haven't been there since the first year we were married. It was after church on a Sunday night and a great older couple from our church asked us to go to pizza quick for dinner. It's a pizza place in Peru with a small town chuck e. cheese type feel. We never really think about going there, but my good friend, Justin was in town with his girlfriend and I hadn't gotten a chance to really get to know her at all. We found out that they were going to be hanging out with his little sister, Anna, for the night and Tait absolutely loves Anna.

We ended up at Pizza Quick for the night laughing and talking and watching Tait win gobs of tickets (those were worth a couple of smarty suckers, a tiny rubber lizard, a bouncy ball, and a chinese handcuffs) learning more about one another, watching my wife just be a great mom, and really just adding another great memory into our lives.

Pizza Quick in Peru...Great memory? Could those go together? They do when you're with the ones that you care about most and the ones that they care about most. It's about the people...places set the background...but it's about the people.

complaint

I love to watch some good basketball, so I really don't get into the season until the playoffs. Last night there was a very good game on with a rematch of last year's finals. The Lakers and the Celtics sat atop the west and the east respectively, and the game lived up to all of the day's hype on ESPN. Into overtime the game went with Kobe hitting a couple of clutch 3's, Paul Pierce taking the key shots to keep it right there and Kevin Garnett fouling out. I was bummed to see it on a strange non call on Derrick Fisher and hardly any contact on Garnett's part, but he fouled out nonetheless.

I was glad to see Garnett rise above without whining and just leave the floor. I thought to myself "classy guy." That was until I heard his after game interview on the radio today. He said that they just should have played better, but had to follow that up with a "I'm not sure what is and what isn't a foul..." Aahhhh! Why does everyone whine? why do we have to always have the last word on things? I do it too...I don't seem to take things as they come, I like to have the last word, to make sure to place the blame onto someone else. To complain that I'm not getting a fair shake. I like to mask it in a false humility that half way points to me as the problem but leaving me an out.

We all love it when someone rises above the self love and fully takes blame. Someone who doesn't point fingers at someone else, but understands that to truly lead is to bear the brunt of whatever may come. Even if that is not fair. I think of Jesus, with the soldiers mocking him and the chief priests before him. He didn't even speak. He took the blame. He led strongly, and silently. Allowing the unfair accusations to come and allowing the punishment that was completely undeserved to fall squarely on his wide and capable shoulders. In light of that, whose leadership seems the greatest to follow?

I wonder

I wonder if they remember anything about anything that happened before, I don't know, a year ago? I wondered this as I listened to some friends have nothing nice to say about some other friends of mine. These friends were also former friends of one another, but now the rift has become larger than life. I mean, the lives of each were touched in a massive way by the other. They were responsible for helping one another get to new heights in their Christian walks. They were each closer to Jesus for having walked along the same path for a while and yet, now, after what seems like a petty disagreement over a bit of different theology, they don't speak to one another.

Not only is it not speaking to one another, but each party now has negative things to spread about the other. That sucks! I hate it. I don't want to hear it.

Where does that come from? We talked about spiritual amnesia the other night in our small group, about how we forget about this huge God we serve and somehow leave Him out of our thoughts. I think that we have relational amnesia too. Little things wedge between us and cause a bit of separation...how far does it go? how far should it go? what's that going to look like in heaven?

Good For Me

Had a good friend send me a link to the book "Porn-Again Christian" by Mark Driscoll. This is a quick read, but is full of great insight on our battle as males with sexual sin. This book is frank and often borders on crass, but sometimes we do need to hear it like it is. Sin is ugly, and this epidemic of sexual immorality in our nation, the world and in Christianity as a whole needs to be called out, so Driscoll does.

If you are a man who ever struggles with sexual sin (pretty sure that's all of us who still have everything in tact) I recommend it. I've been caught in the trap before, I battle my flesh every day in this area and it's good to have it brought in different lights like this.

This one section of the book really just struck me...Mark says that as a human being...
You are not an animal. You are the glory of God.
You are not a pervert. You are the glory of God.
You are not an addict. You are the glory of God.
You are not a victim. You are the glory of God.
You are not a fool. You are the glory of God.

Absolutely fantastic part. It was worth reading for me if just for these lines.

Remember, I did say if you are a MAN...read this. I wouldn't recommend it to ladies, and Mark kind of prefaces the book as such. It really is quite graphic in its disgust with sexual sin. I'm putting a link here to the website where you can download the book and read it for free.


www.relit.org

Check it out...let me know what you think.

comedy gold

this has to be the funniest thing I've seen in a long time.

Crazy

Tonight was our first night of small goups and we definitely had a great time. A bunch of couples around our ages just got together to discuss the book "crazy love" by Francis Chan. By the book, I mean chapter 1 of the book. I really think that it's going to be good. We really spent about half of the time just hanging out and getting to know one another a bit, and I felt as though it was a great group of people...people who will be able to really get to know each other...same position in life...some similar paths. As the conversation moved to the first chapter of the book, it was interesting to hear that some are struggling with some of the same things that I do.

Like this...I get that God saved me to make a difference in this world. I get that his answer to the millions of people who ask why there are starving children around the world and millions without enough food and people without a roof over their heads etc. is me living out the example that Christ set. But how do I start...I've never seen a homeless person in my little town. I've seen pictures of the starving people in the world, but I don't know how to make a difference in their lives. It frustrates me because I feel that a big part of my following Jesus would be to give up some of my comforts to give a better life to these people who have nothing but all I've been offered is to give the church money. And it doesn't seem as though the church is using that to do the things that seem to matter.

I sponsor Galih Pamungkas Setya Putro through compassion international...at least he has what he needs to live...but to an american living in complet comfort...that's nothing.

We talked about that tonight and maybe, just maybe we as a group can come up with a tangible way for our little community, and therefore we as individuals, and in turn I can begin living life as God meant it to be lived.

Move me, God.